Have you ever found yourself afraid to open up to a romantic partner because you just couldn’t trust them completely? Or have you been in a relationship with a partner who had trouble depending on you?
If so, you may have an avoidant attachment style. Attachment style refers to how we connect with others. Think of it as the lens through which we see our relationships. Avoidant attachment is characterized by a fear of closeness and the tendency to avoid depending on others. You might even find that relationships don’t really seem all that appealing to you in the first place.
Psychologists from China have conducted a number of scientific studies to discover how avoidant individuals can still have healthy and intimate relationships. Their suggestions are:
1. Work on Intimacy
Avoidantly attached individuals often have difficulty connecting with others. They seem like “closed” individuals who are afraid to share intimate feelings or desires with others.
What you can do: An avoidant individual may be this way because they have dealt with betrayal/abandonment/hurt in their past–usually from a trusted friend or relative. Even the small amount of trust they may place in you now is not lightly given. Be grateful for what you have at the moment, don’t abuse that trust they have given you, and show them that you trust them to know what is safe for them to share with you. If you are the avoidant partner in the relationship, try experimenting with sharing your emotions. Test the waters with trivial things (like a movie)–get in the habit of sharing your emotions little by little with your partner until you feel safe and secure enough to share deeper feelings.
2. Find Support
Avoidantly attached individuals may often feel like they are not being supported in their relationships. They may in turn withdraw and appear unsupportive themselves sometimes.
What you can do: Don’t try to take over their life and do everything for them. Let them be in charge of the things which are most important to them, but offer to help with minor things that they may be more willing to let you handle. Show them that you are dependable in small things first, and eventually they will come to you if they need your help with something bigger. If you are avoidant, realize that your partner is often trying to support you in ways you may not notice. If you feel unsupported, work on expressing this in a calm way to your partner and allow them to explain their intentions of support.
3. Respect Relationship Needs
Avoidant individuals are more likely to withdraw from relationships than any other type of person. This is usually a defense mechanism they use to avoid being hurt.
What you can do: Don’t take it personally if they need some emotional space for a short time. Let them feel safe with their own thoughts and desires, and don’t push them to talk to you about it until they are ready. If you try to push them too much, they will only withdraw more. Be patient. For the avoidant partner, recognize when you withdraw and recognize why you withdraw. There’s nothing wrong with taking a timeout, but be intentional about your efforts to re-engage with your partner after you’ve taken a break.
Being in a relationship with someone who seems to avoid closeness and openness can be very frustrating. Many of us want to know what our partners are thinking, and we feel a sincere desire to help them through their struggles. Maybe avoidant individuals can learn to open up to you like this further down the road, but for now, take things slow and when they do open up show them you will keep it safe for them.
To see what attachment style you might have, take RELATE today
To read the original article, click here.
How can I get my avoidant boyfriend of 7 mos. back? We had great relationship for 7 mos., then I tried to be vulnerable with him and told him I needed to see him more (suggested twice a week instead of one). He got anxious and withdrawn. (Personally, I felt like we were becoming too close and he got scared. I know he loved me). So then after he went two days w/o calling, (which he called or texted daily), I ran into him at coffee shop. He looked so down and stressed. He told me he couldn’t give me the time I needed, and looked so uncomfortable. I said I felt so disconnected from him and don’t like feeling this way, and I don’t want to put pressure on him or relationship so maybe we should take a break. I told him I had so much respect for him and wasn’t trying to say my needs are more important than his, but I felt like I should be able to tell my boyfriend of 7 mos. how I feel. Then I said, if I’m going to be in an exclusive r/s I needed to spend time with that person or keep my options open ( now I regret that last line). He hugged me and said we’d talk later, but I knew he was too overwhelmed by this type of conversation. He hasn’t called in 15 days. Do I have a chance? I don’t want to call or text cause I don’t want to pressure him but I love him and now that I understand about love avoidance, I wouldn’t have had that conversation. He has t told anyone we broke up and is still friends on fb. I’m trying to respect his time apart and not feel pressured.
Can someone please help?! I miss him.
Did you manage to open him up? If so, what did you do? I have someone with this kind of personality in my life too. He’s been around for three years and we got really close while we both were in our previous relationships, more like emotionally rather than physically. It was like that for two years. We shared every little secret with each other and met every weeks for a quick secret hug. I worked very hard to break up with my abusive ex then finally we both broke up with our exes which unfortunately involved a lot of drama on my ex’s side, which I guess kind of scared him away. Then he wanted to put it on hold and we stopped communicating through texts etc although he would always be around me and giving me the same vibes that we used to have . We got slightly closer again, started talking and eventually getting the banter and flirt back that we used to have. Only for him to pull away then being distant for a few days then starting the whole cycle again. A few weeks ago once again we got close, he initiated contact, chatted for two days , everything went well and the next day he would shut down and withdrawn so I questioned him and he gave me an answer that he is on a roller coaster ride and that he has issues in his head to sort out and that he prefers to stay in a low mood then being up and down all the time and that I should stay away because everyone who loves him ends up being sad. Should I really listen to him and throw all these years of energy that I invested in away or shall I be patient and wait trusting that his feelings are real for me but he just can’t deal with the attachment and overwhelming emotion side of things? On a side note, his relationship with his ex had never been passionte and it was kind of off from the very start.
yes…. you can contact him. what is the worst that will happen? he will either continue to withdraw or you will talk it through….
i was with a few avoidants.. i am anxious/secure…. current avoidant/secure even pulls away as fast as you can say…. it’s hard…very hard… best thing is to not take it personally and to not continue to give space (they dont pull away for the same reasons others do, when i pull away i want to be away!) they pull away to de-stress… they dont need to be away forever. if you really want to be with him… tell him you love him and that you would like to discuss both your needs and come to a compromise. let him go when he needs…. this will build trust and eventually he will become more securely attached (and so will you knowing he will come back). hope it helps….
sorry… just noticed yours was from 2016….
How did it go in the end? I’m in the same situation. Bf of 8 months, been separated for 7 months now, seeing each other on and off. Learning how to get the right balance to get close.
If the relationship is more painful than it is pleasurable? maybe you need to cut ties. Your love will not change him. Only he can do that. I am in a relationship with an avoidant and I know exactly what it is like to feel like your partner is oblivious to your existence. Remember that an avoidant doesn’t want to be lonely…they just want to be alone sometimes. To me, it looks like an inner-conflict of the most painful kind.
If you want to keep him, don’t pressure him…be patient…two weeks or more is normal. The question is….are you getting what you need, because be assured, he will take what he needs….that’s what they do.
Bob Marley said…”Everyone is going to hurt you…you have to find the ones worth suffering for”
what happened after this question you asked? how did you resolve it w him? going through similar situation right now. if you get this would love info.
I know this reply is a little late, but might be of use to others reading this.
I have just similarly come out of a relationship like this. She approached me initially and made all of the running until I was at the point of developing feelings for her. We took it slowly and a month later it was obvious we were becoming romantically attached. At this point she recoiled. I gave her space and told her how important she was to me and we started again. A month later and things were going so well. She told me the reason she was wary (she had been in an emotionally abusive marriage for 25 years) and I assumed we were breaking down her barriers from this.
How wrong I was. For a further couple of weeks things got much deeper between us and she has very emotionally responsive to me, but then out of the blue severed all contact without warning.
I then read up about disordered (or fearful) attachment type and tentatively held out an olive branch. She responded after a couple of days and said we should meet. Contact was sporadic on social media, but was warming up and then suddenly all of my messages went unread and there was nothing.
I had invested so heavily in this relationship. She was very, very special to me and we had connected in so many ways that it felt like one of the strongest bonds I had ever made with a human being. I was subsequently devastated. Sadly, she will also be devastated as the one thing she craves more than anything is ready and waiting in front of her, but she has built a glass wall of fear and anxiety so high that, whilst she can see what is there, she simply cannot connect to this.
The only way you could get your boyfriend back is for him to enter psychotherapy to try to relearn how to handle the feelings of fear in intimacy. It takes a long time. My GF was talking about doing this but was so scared of the feelings it would arouse in her that she hid away in the end. She was still unhappy and lonely, but that was preferable to facing her fears of intimacy. The fear was so strong that she could not even face a platonic relationship as she knew we would soon fall in love again as we had in the past.
The most frustrating part is that you know the other person isn’t breaking away from you because they want to. My GF’s language was always framed as “I can’t” rather than “I don’t want to” and she told me very clearly about how fearful she was and was also quite clear that I could not solve her problem even with the utmost patience, commitment, understanding and love. We lasted 6 months, but on average she could only manage a couple of days with other people before running for the hills. In those 6 months I was repeatedly tested to ensure I was committed (I was) but in the end she stopped testing and simply disappeared.
You probably do not want to be in a relationship long-term with this person. It only gets more difficult if you marry them. You may be miserable and feel like you’re in it alone so, he is already showing you that he cannot be close.
I’m wondering when is a good time to re-engage. Sometimes I’ve waited for a couple days. But I wonder if that’s enough. Have you heard of any evidence women need more time in general. I have no problem with it, just trying to make her comfortable.
Eric,
Everyone is different. Let your partner tell you, or just show you (if they aren’t aware of their attachment style), by waiting for them to come to you. Remember that their needing space is not about you, it’s about their own issues, so there’s no need to take it personally.
Hi I have lost a partner, very traumatic took me years to finally come to terms. Been sexually abused twice as a child , bullied and terrorised by am older sibling as a child, had inconsistent Mum so adapted and became people pleaser.
Find it hard to process strong negative emotions and when I have tried to be in a relationship with a man who is emotionally available in get panic attacks and feel smothered and trapped
Ive seen a Trauma therapist who advised I take things slowly getting to know a man and not jump in fast physically..I’m not scared on that front!
A friend who is a child psychiatrist says it’s highly unlikely that I would find a partner who is willing to deal with my fear of closeness which makes me feel ashamed and lonely as I am very tactile and affectionate also very emotional but the fear comes up and I’m overwhelmed by it.
My past is loss on many levels and multiple loss of relationships with no sense of a future being different.
Where do I go from here ? I’ve been in and out of therapy for many years trying to understand what was happening and feeling ‘ I don’t know how to be in a relationship’ fearful if another really knew me.
Bernie
Dear Bernie,
I was in a relationship with a dismissive-avoidant type, it has been extremely painful for me to finally let her go… she just couldn’t bear intimacy and vulnerability, she got overwhelmed and shut down. Your post could have been written by my ex girlfriend, I recognise her in your description of your feelings/thoughts.
I love her as she is. And you deserved to be loved as you are. (And you might be.)
I have my own s*t I have to address and take responsibility for it. Inner work is a life-long commitment/journey. I’m learning to be curious and creative about it, doing therapy as well as meditation and yoga etc. But really doing it with curiosity and without shame attached to it. F*k shame. We are more scared of getting to know our own feelings and fears than someone else’s. I don’t think you really know yourself/we really know ourselves. And when you say: if the other really gets to know me, they wouldn’t want to be with me. That is your inner voice which developed because of childhood trauma, it’s not you. I have my own inner voice that is claiming that I’m not worthy of love, something is missing, I’m a fraud etc.
Next time when you get overwhelmed with emotions, try to communicate it with your partner. But first we ourselves need to feel more comfortable with our emotions. Otherwise there is no chance we can communicate our feelings with another if we ourselves don’t make the effort to get to know ourselves better. Journaling practice can help with that in my experience. There’s so much wisdom, true insight and good will available to us, it’s incredible. We just need to gather some courage to shift our focus and we will find the guidance we need to grow (up).
Dear Dori
Thank you for your kind reply . I’m currently in therapy with a new Trauma therapist, who says I’m Ambivalent anxious attachment?
Personally I feel I’m Fearful Avoidant wanting closeness/ fearful of it.
Therapist suggest I use Mindfulness to get in touch with stored emotions out of consciousness awareness..
Not really feeling im making any headway.. recently began seeing someone fear and anxiety intrusive thoughts are high. Asked for my needs be met in requesting he lets me come to him, take my time getting to know him.
I panic myself by overthinking and censoring what I say/ do how he will interpret it.
Anxiety kills the good feelings about him.. we started out chatting by text then gradually phone calls.met up a week ago for a night out.
Enjoyed his company but put myself under pressure by feeling I need to know what I feel about him… he’s made it clear he likes me and communicates this regularly…I feel unsure ..I recall a previous therapist saying I had one foot out the door which is obviously true.
I feel the need to control how much contact he can have ..this is always the same in relationship. Secondly I see how I use FANTASY of the PERFECT PARTNER who will meet all my needs and I don’t have to ask for anything… very childlike Im aware
See this aversion to being an adult taking responsibility for my needs and being able to show up emotionally for another… perhaps I am failing to show up for myself if I expect this FANTASY person to assuage all my pain and never need anything in return.
It is very difficult being in a relationship with someone Avoidant and sometimes you have to ask your self why you so deeply want to be with someone who can’t connect, withholds and withdraws as a means of communication.
They shift into that pattern after a loving period in the first few months of the relationship. In my case it was very sudden, she has just disengaged from me completely whereas she was incredibly loving and affectionate before. I’ve never wanted to be someone who doesn’t want to spend time with me… I didn’t know this was going to happen…
I am in this very situation. I have read up on attachment theories and I know I am an anxious and the guy I had been seeing for 8 months is a dismissive avoidant. We fit all ive read to a tee. He came to me, found me thru mutual friends and a passion we have for motorcycles. Anyhow- he came on strong, attentive, spent days and days, weekends, call, text etc etc. Then I gave him a Valentines gift. Just a generic gift w something special on it. It was that weekend, he shut down. First time I had ever been given silence for a week. Me, being the anxious one, texted, called, tried to figure out what was going on.His answer was always ” relax” ” chill”. etc Yeah say these things to an anxious person.
Anyhow since that time silence and ignoring has been continuing almost every week. Then came the times we’d argue and be done. One time I thought it was done and 30 mins later hes outside. Since that time, there has been 2 more times. After the 2nd time.. I still reached out, trying and 5 days later he was back seeing me. Each time the silence ignoring has gotten longer. Right after a fanatastic 4 days for my bday- longest ever 6 weeks. again me as anxious always tried to reach out, make contact, nicely. Since then he has spent 1 weekend each month and basically ignored me every other day. Unless I have pushed to a point, said something that makes him react.
So Im now at the point after 5 days ago basically being so frustrated with this that I said things on how I felt about all this silence and ignoring, not communicating.I felt bad so I sent apologizing messages the next day. I wanted to leave things on a better note with me apologizing. he took 24 hrs to read them but they have been read.
with all my reading on avoidants, they need their space. Cant chase them, cant try on an emotional level w heart n feelings. He is definitely a dismissive avoidant and I think he has feelings inside but he wont ever show them. More I try and talk- the further he goes and in his head thinks Im a nutjob. So after my apology- I am and have to go silent myself. I need to know for me if he will miss me at all, feel even if on the inside a loss of hearing from me, seeing me even on social media. I am on a break. if he doesnt, then he doesnt and the loss I get is of who I saw at the beginning but he loses so much more. I wanted to understand him, I wanted to be a best friend as well as a girlfriend. I dealt with his conflicts best I could and his past has shown after about a couple months people have left him. I wanted to be the one to show I wouldnt. I still wouldnt but he needs to see I walked away, gave him the space, no more begging, pleading, communicating. He wasnt a kisser, hold hands, affectionate outwardly as you would see inwardly. Two times he showed me something that amazed me ( we danced once after months me asking him to and one day he just took my hand and did it and another time a bubble bath) so he has it in him when he wants to but he shuts down and avoids intimacy, commitment and even just talking feelings.
I hope by this space, me not contacting him like every other time we went thru this, fact he cant follow me on social media as I am not posting or on there for awhile… That maybe there’s a slight feeling inside him that he doesnt want to lose me and maybe really does like me. Does he really want all his space and me not around when I am gone.
My boyfriend recently started showing signs of avoidance. Our relationship is 16mos in, and was picture perfect til 15mos. Seriously, we were the overly cute couple that made our friends and family simultaneously jealous and nauseous.
At the 15mos mark, things changed. He blindsided me with a disappearing act which lasted five days. Out of nowhere, he told me there were things in his past he couldn’t overcome. Bam. Poof. Gone. I was heartbroken. And, when he came back, five days later, we had a long, tearful heart-to-heart about our respective issues. He apologised, and we agreed to move on.
Not even a month later, it happened again. Not quite as drastic as the first time, but still MIA.
I’ve tried leaving him alone for a couple of days, then sending him a message saying “hey, I miss you. I’m here when you’re ready.” I tried suggesting a neutral place to talk.
What makes this time different is that he’s still somewhat visible this time. The first time, he deleted all social media contact, he dropped my things off while I wasn’t home (I did the same), and changed his locks. This time, none of that has happened, but he is still silent. Like, he reads my messages and hasn’t asked for his beloved hat back yet, and is still paying my cellphone bill (it was my birthday present), but he’s silent. It’s been ten days.
I’m so lost as to what to do. And I’m driving myself crazy in the process. I’ve even begun keeping a notebook so, when I feel angry at the situation, I can lash out without actually doing so toward him.
Run don’t walk away from this relationship. When you look back you’ll realize how lucky you were to get out. Your needs are quite reasonable and someone out there can’t wait to find you. Look for the person who reciprocates
I’m in a marriage of seven years with this attachment style pairing. It’s always been a little issue but then exploded when decided to explore polyamory. Anyway, what I wanted to write is just a quick compliment: I’ve read the book Attached and then about 20 or so articles trying to compile a cheat sheet list of all the things I could do to make things better. This article (yours) was among the last of them and I found that rather than build a list, I could have just used this one! It is spot on and hits all of the bases within my control!
Uriel, I would love to speak with you too. I having been with my avoidant type boyfriend for about 3 months. He s a great person and is the best guy I ve dated so far. I want to stay with him and have a decent relationship. I do care about him. I am an anxious type, but ironically getting close to people- relationship wise makes me want to push people away sometimes. I feel like if they got too close and got to know the real me that they will eventually book it the other way. And honestly I just don t want to get hurt. Maybe I m a mix of both, maybe not. I don t know. I want to be a good girlfriend and show him that he is worthy love and kindness, and that even though he has been hurt before, that there are people (including myself) that would never intentionally hurt him. Anyways, if you would like to chat let me know! Thank you!!
One of the most difficult things with an avoidant partner is figuring out whether their latest withdrawal is due to their issues or simply them losing interest. This constant uncertainty means that for many partners of avoidants, detaching emotionally, at least to some extent, is the sanest thing to do. Thus even without a physical, “real” breakup, avoidant behavior still creates a level of abandonment and isolation within the context of a committed relationship. Of course, this feeds back into the avoidant’s deepest fears, and ultimately results in even more avoidant behavior. A relationship with an avoidant is thus always at risk of devolving into a vicious cycle of mutual rejection, and is only likely to last if the partner is anxious and obsessed, or if the partner is secure and there is constant, level-headed communication about the relationship between the partners.
My partner and I get into the anxious (me) avoidant (her) dance often. It’s heart wrenching. I feel things are going great and the intensity of my love for her flows. She is happy for a couple of days and then is overwhelmed. We have conversation but then triggered so it becomes a tit for tat scenario.
I love her dearly and in so many ways we are really great. I just don’t know how this will move forwards. We’ve been together 12 months now, living together for 6 months.
We both read about our styles and try take responsibility but the triggering and dance continue.
I hope that she’ll throw her as around me when I come home from work, gush love for me and want intimacy. She sees me as needy, looking for reassurance. I just see me as being loving.
I don’t know how to be less passionate in my feelings without just withdrawing and disengaging. I worry I’ll never get what I want from her and can’t give her the stable, steady, medium of love rather than the highs and lows of the dance.
Ahhhh
I am all too aware of this anxious/avoidant dance. We’ve been together on and off it seems for 5 years. We’ve known each other since high school. I don’t believe his avoidance came from childhood I believe in fame from his past relationship/marriage of 20 years. He’s expressed that she really wasn’t what she thought/said she was and that he ended up doing the things he did to please her and more for the kids. Example… he got stopped and was arrested for an outstanding ticket and when he called home she said not her problem call your friend. Things like that over time left him not being able to trust someone who ‘loved’ him. We now live together and some days go very well and some don’t…. according to me anyway. I’ve just started to research his behaviors. He’s a distance which I’ve learned they want to be chased cuz it makes them feel good but then it becomes too much sometimes then he avoids. Maybe one in the same at time but all of this I turn makes me the anxious one. I get hurt feeling, I get confrontational with his way of creating connection. He’ll be so free with his emotions for a period of time then he’ll start to withdrawal. OR he will create an emotional situation for me to get the emotional rise out of as a way to know that I care and create reassurance for himself… from what I can gather. He says he wants for me to psychologically intune with him but anytime I try to have the conversation he’s trying to have I’m never right and I apparently just done get it. He can be very adoring and affectionate but it ONLY given on his terms!! So exhausting. If you know of any other articles or books on how to maintain this please advise. Hope it gets better for you as well. Thanks for reading
Avoidant here, dating an anxious partner.
I have to say, for one, please try not to see your avoidant partner’s behavior as cruel or as though they are intentionally witholding anything from you. They likely just have different needs and struggle with being close. It doesn’t mean they don’t love you. I do wonder if I will ever be able to be in a relationship with anyone who isn’t VERY secure or another avoidant. My ideal relationship is like, see each other only maybe 5-10x per month, sleepovers only 1 or 2x per week, not even talk via text every day. I want to be living my life and knowing my partner is out there happily living theirs, but do not want us to be thinking about each other all the time. I want us to be there for each other when needed but not constantly. Reading these comments makes me feel better about my struggles bc at least I know I’m not alone. I have all these same avoidant behaviors mentioned, and easily get triggered and anxiously shut down when stuff gets too close.
Biggest advice I have: DO NOT PUSH your avoidant partner. If you can’t get the love you need from them, you may need to find it within yourself or from other sources. Personally I think I would happily be polyamorous, so my more needy partner could get some of their needs met elsewhere.
Ultimately, I don’t think either partner is necessarily wrong in their desires and needs, but they may not be right for each other :/
@Eliza I have a question. I am dating a Fearful Avoidant man who is 53 years old. I only learned of avoidants after being with him, and now understanding I have dated a few in my life. I love this man. We have been together over a year in which we had a two month break up. We got back together after that and it was bliss for almost another two months, got super close, then bam, he deactivated and barely contacting me. I am giving him space as I know that avoidants needs their space.
My question is this: do you as an avoidant ever get scared that one day you will be alone forever? I know he loves me even though he can’t say it, and I know he knows we have something special and that I am the MOST patient person he’s ever been with, but I can’t promise I can deal with the withdrawing and silent treatment forever. I can meet someone else, but I love him. He though, will meet someone and they will either leave or he will find something wrong with them to push them away. Is that fear not enough of a motivation to do some internal work on in order to not push people away? I see a lot of lonely older people and wonder how many of them pushed away people in their younger years.
This dance of opposites seems totally insane, however, each partner is actually a reflection of the other turned inside-out. They each have fear of losing, and resent the other for what the other “should” provide a little better for themselves: a little better so that each can move toward secure attachment. This couple is the avoidant playing super-independent and the anxious as the dependent. What they each need to be is “inter-dependent,” meaning they grow and move toward secure attachment – to have enough autonomy on their own and enough intimacy.
To me, the anxious/avoidant couple is potentially a perfect match – for each partner to heal childhood wounds – under one very important assumption. There is zero chance that this coupling can ever work out without some degree of symmetry in each taking responsibility to do the work of their healing and growth. Why is this so?
Life is about growth and tension. Whether a plant, virus or lowly amoeba, life must push against the forces that hold a living being down. Growth is fighting to be better at surviving and thriving. What would a Neanderthal do if they needed to invent to survive? They’d either rise to the challenge or die. If the avoidant retains rigid boundaries and demands for freedom without lightening up their intensity – game over. The avoidant says the anxious is “needy.” How is that accusation of need different from an intense need of the avoidant to be physically free or free from emotional conflict? The avoidant needs to learn and streth to get to the middle if they are to grow out of their fear. However, it seems most avoidants deny a need for growth or for having much fear.
Contrary to this, an avoidant who does not want to get a “life” by becoming more independent is not adding anything to the couple. Each partner must be willing to commit to growth – plain and simple.
My boyfriend just broke up with me, he wants the relationship to continue exactly the way it was jsut without the label. I asked if we hung out too much or if my spending christmas with my parents was too much and he said neither of those were the problem, he just doesnt know what to do because he is scared and has never been in a relationship before. He also says he felt bad that he didnt really have a family introduce me too and always worried he wasn’t giving me enough attention (which he was, and he was really good at). He left off saying he still loves me and doesnt want anything to change, hes just scared and doesnt know what he wants. I told him I am here for him and I’m really happy he opened up to me about his anxiety and that I wish he would’ve brought it up sooner. I am hoping that after the stress of the holidays are over he will feel comfortable enough to reassess the relationship. He thought that if he broke things off now, it would avoid pain later on but it still hurts both of us so much.
I met my bf 3 years ago and it felt like we really liked each other and were comfortable with each other. Very soon, however, he said he does not want a relationship. He lived in a different country. We kept in touch and I ended up convincing him to come and visit me. He did and it was wonderful, but again, he said he does not want a relationship. We kept in touch for a year, during which I tried to move on. Eventually I went to visit his country, with no intention of seeing him for more than a dinner. But we spent a lovely two weeks together and he introduced me to his family. He said I was his best friend and first ever real girlfriend (age 30). I left, he broke up with me. I went back for work, we got back together, had a wonderful time. He broke up with me. Some months later, again after me trying to move on and meeting a potential someone else, he came to see me, and it was like my soul was at home with him, but when he tried to break up with me before leaving, I said fine, but this has to be the last time. Either we really try or we break up. So he stayed, for over six weeks and then went back home. We would visit each other every month, talk everyday, and it was really really lovely. We became very very close. Then we started talking about trying to live together. He broke up with me. But a month and a half later, I said it is ok if he just wants to visit me. He did, for 3 weeks. Then wanted to break up with me. He came back after 3 weeks. He stayed with me 2 months, breaking up with me every three weeks while here. Then he said we should go to his country together for a vacation, he needs to stay a little longer but he promised he would come back. He left some things here. Now, he of course broke up with me again. Said he cannot do this again, it is too painful. It is always, of course, dramatic and painful when he leaves me. He used to express doubt, say he is confused, that he does not know what he wants. “I always come back”, he used to say. He said many times I am the best friend he has ever had and probably will ever have, that I am the closest he has ever been to anyone, that he can be himself around me. He trusts me. But then he also says there are problems that he cannot tolerate or talk about. He has ocd and I suggested maybe this plays a role, but he said it does not. Now he seems 100% sure he needs me out of his life. I know I am an anxious type, I have never hidden this fact, but I am also independent, need my alone time, but I need to know that the relationship is secure even if we are apart. He cannot give me this, it seems. Is he avoidant or is it just that he does not want to be with me? He seemed to really genuinely like, even love, me in the times when things were good. I trusted he was not faking, but he also said he just wants things to be pleasant, so I don’t know what is true. So I am really broken, because I feel I will never see him again, never hear from him again. Do you think he is the avoidant type or just sick of me? I miss him beyond words. I feel like my best friend has died.