Pornography is quickly becoming one of the most discussed topics among therapists and couple researchers as it is become clear that most individuals and couples have past or present experience with pornography (any form of sexual media designed to create sexual arousal). Particularly in a couple context, pornography use by one or both partners can often become a source of contention and/or hurt feelings, especially if the partners have differing views on what type of use is acceptable.
As pornography becomes more easily accessible and widely available, more and more individuals are wondering if their earlier pornography use has developed into “pornography addiction.” Such addictions often cause major problems in romantic relationships. Understanding the difference between an addiction and a bad habit is vitally important for healthy relationship function and understanding the consequences of pornography use. Bad habits can cause some couple conflict but are often resolved with healthy couple communication. Addictions on the other hand often need more resources and outside help (such as a therapist). Are you wondering if you or someone you know is suffering from a full-blown pornography addiction? Consider the following to help you decide.
Understand the Addiction Process
Most addictions develop due to the same underlying process. Typically this starts with some sort of initial exposure. With pornography this often happens early in life, most commonly during adolescence. Then, the viewing behavior goes through what we call an experimentation phase. The user starts to experiment with different types of pornography but there is often little pattern to such use. It might happen once a month or even once a year. However, experimentation sometimes leads to escalation. Escalation is when true addiction is beginning to develop. It is marked by spending longer periods of time using pornography and having a shorter and shorter period of time between uses. Pornography users find they need longer viewing sessions or more extreme versions of pornography to get the same level of arousal as before. Eventually this will lead to the development of a compulsion. A compulsion is a need to engage in a behavior without thinking through the consequences. People with compulsions act first and think later. A compulsion is often the true sign of an addiction and is the reason most addicts can’t bring themselves to stop…they often aren’t thinking about the behavior until after they’ve done it. This makes addicts feel hopeless, lost, and like they will never overcome their addiction
Three Keys to Understanding if you have an Addiction
So what does all this mean in terms of helping you determine if your pornography habit has developed into an addiction? Again, often the clearest sign of addiction is a compulsion to engage in the behavior. Ask yourself the following three questions:
1. Have I tried to stop viewing pornography but find myself coming back to it again and again?
If you can’t stop a behavior, even when you want to, you likely have developed compulsive behavior. While bad habits often take some effort to change, addictions are much more difficult to stop and addicts often find themselves making little to no progress on their own.
2. Is pornography use interfering with my everyday duties in life (whether they be at work or at home)?
Another clear sign of addiction is if the behavior is taking away from your daily functioning. Are you falling behind at work so you can view pornography? Are you struggling keeping your house clean or forgetting to help your kids with homework because you of your pornography use? If so, it might be time to consider that your use had become an addiction.
3. Does pornography use give me a strong “high” of positive emotion at first but then that often gives way to depression and anxiety about my behavior?
Experiencing the extreme high/lows when you engage in the behavior can be a signal that you have an addiction. If pornography use gives you a big high but then a big low you may have escalated your use to the point of addiction. If your use is creating anxiety, depression, or hopelessness, it might be time to seek outside resources to help.
As pornography use increases among individuals and couples, more and more relationships may be impacted by pornography addiction. If you think you have developed addictive behavior, seek outside assistance and help.** If you’re just worried that pornography use may have created unhealthy couple patterns in your relationship let the RELATE assessment help show you how to make things better.
Written by: Brian
**List of resources for those struggling with a true pornography addiction and those in a relationship with someone struggling with this.**
Love You, Hate the Porn–This is a great book for couples to read to be able to understand how each other is feeling when one partner is struggling with this and foster conversations for healing.
Willpower’s Not Enough–This book was written a long time ago, but holds keys to overcoming addictions of all kind even today.
FTND Program-Fight The New Drug is a company working to help those trying to recover from this addiction and spouses of those trying to recover.
Find a Therapist-Find a therapist in your area. Make sure you find someone trained in couples therapy if you are planning to go with your partner.
