Pop Quiz:
Choose between “the man” or “the woman”:
- Who should ask someone for a date?
- Who should pay for the date?
- Who should plan the date?
- Who should pick up the date?
- Who should say thank you at the end of the date?
If you answered “the man”for 1-4 and “the woman” for number 5, congratulations, you are ready for a first date!
At least, that’s what society would have you think. Notice how the man is so active and the woman is so passive? Shouldn’t we be more equal in dating? Mary Laner and Nicole Ventrone, two researchers, would argue yes, and for good reason.
In a recent article, they studied some dating books you might have heard of, like the Complete Idiot’s Guide series or Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. If you have heard of these, maybe you’ve seen some of the advice they give.
Society says:
Advice for men
- Be romantic
- Listen attentively
- Build your partner’s trust.
- Spend time cuddling
- Agree to do things with her family and friends
Advice for women
- Don’t expect commitment after the first date
- Never compare him to previous dating partners
- Don’t snoop
- Don’t nag him into talking about his feelings
- Let him withdraw now and then
But men, don’t you sometimes compare dates to other women? And women, don’t you sometimes talk too much and forget to listen? Shouldn’t the same advice be given to both men and women? What if we replaced him with her or woman with man?
Let’s try it: Women be polite to your date–let him talk about himself and ask you questions about yourself.
or
Men, don’t compare her to your previous dating partners.
How did that feel? Was it uncomfortable? Fine? Liberating? The next time you go on a date, use this trick to give yourself the freedom to act outside of your gender expectations. Maybe you’ll find that it’s easier to connect with your partner because you aren’t so worried about acting “appropriately”.
You can read the full article here.
And to see how ready you are to date seriously, take our READY Assessment!
Written by: Dallin
When I ask a girl out and pick her up and pay for dinner and hold her door and whatever else, it’s not because I’m the guy and, therefore, in charge or the dominant one or whatever. It’s because the person I’m dating, whether a first date or a twentieth date, deserves my greatest respect. And no one is dumb enough to assume girls shouldn’t listen and guys should expect commitment and anything like that. The books are designed to address the most prevalent problems among each gender. These are general books that are compiled after collecting a lot of data about successful and unsuccessful dates. Sure, they aren’t one-size-fits-all, but no one should read them with that assumption. The fact of the matter is that far too many guys should take the advice for guys, and far too many girls should take the advice for girls.
I’m not going to argue the issue of whether gender differences are genetically or environmentally created, but I am going to point out that there are differences and any good help book writer would use those differences to help those they’re writing for to better understand the differences and what behaviors they can use to better relate and connect with someone that doesn’t share their genetic traits. You’re giving a hard time to books that are probably doing far more good than harm for inter-gender relations and equality and cooperation. What’s up with that?
Thank you for your comment Jared! We’re so happy to hear that you are reading our blogs and appreciate your thoughts on the matter. We’re also happy to hear your treat your dates with respect every time. We like to help our readers focus on what can help them connect with their partners more than what can keep them apart due to gender differences. But we’re always happy to hear from our readers, so please keep commenting! Thanks for the feedback!